did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
