Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
As shirtless as possible
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
