i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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