five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
