The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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