my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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