Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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