So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
