i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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