I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
