I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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