college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
