Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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