Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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