I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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