Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
