Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
