Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
