I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
