I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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