YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Four minutes until I can fart!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
