Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
