Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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