like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
