I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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