I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
