can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
