So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
