Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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