Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
