i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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