Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
