So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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