id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
