At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
