I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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