You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
