I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
