my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
