every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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