You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
