Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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