hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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