Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
