did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
he puts the penis in happiness.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
