Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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