So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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