Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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