just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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