look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
soo... how was my night?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
