The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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