I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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